even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
