Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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