You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
