If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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