he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
