operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
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