if only i could text you this smell
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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