Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
