great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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