i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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