2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
