Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I am full of burrito and curiosity
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
