just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
