the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
