Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
