I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
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