I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
