My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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