That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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