I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
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