who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
