why do cheetos always look like penises
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
