he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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