I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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