She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize