I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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