a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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