Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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