hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
