Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
