She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Sorry I twat blocked you earlier I didn't know Sam was over. But, my house my rules, I don't have to knock before I enter. I did see naked butts and smelt "Sex Stank" in the air, we're going to have to set some ground rules when I get home. Hugs and kisses..Mom
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
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