I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
