If that was your dad, he is hot
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
