but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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