Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
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