I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Randomize
