this beer tastes like vomit already
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
