Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Randomize
