trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Randomize
