what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize