Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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