yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
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