I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
