She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
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