so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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