Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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