True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just cut my nipple shaving
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Randomize
