wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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