I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
Randomize
