The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
