I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
