flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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