I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
