I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize