I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Randomize
