it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
