she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
