I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
