After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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