When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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