it's not cheating when I paid for it
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
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